Most of the previous posts were written within a couple days or even hours of each other. I had said that I really needed to get into my thoughts and figure out what I was thinking and I had no other way to get into it. And once I started getting it all out, it wasn’t nearly as heavy.
I had said that his week was shit and we were going on week two without seeing each other (something I don’t really do well with, as you probably gathered), and I was leaving the contact up to him. He had a lot going on.
The Black Hills had just lost a firefighter in the line of duty and as station captain and also part of another group that deals with such things, he was tasked with the assignment of handling the funeral. Again, I did not want to add to his load with my needs and whining, or what to me sounded like it.
I was feeling a little playful one morning and took a selfie… sort of. My face is not in it. Before you go completely into the gutter, as I certainly would and am certainly not above it, I was clothed. … sort of…
And given the week, and the solemnity of it, I really had to second guess, third guess myself before I hit send. This could very well be taken badly. And rightly so.
However, his response was exactly what I had hoped. And we had a little back and forth texting that I had sorely missed.
He suggested I get a hotel room, in Sturgis. He was there for the week until after the funeral. Big breath. Was I ready for this? I really wanted to see him, but I also did not know if I was going to keep my shit together.
I went for it. At his suggestion and strong prodding, I booked a room on the way home. Fed the dogs, put them out and grabbed my toothbrush, toothpaste and something to sleep in (I’ve heard rumors people sleep in clothes). I expected to not arrive in time for him to see me before his meeting that night. I texted him the room number when I checked in and he said he would swing by before the meeting for a quick kiss.
When I opened the door, he entered quickly and smoothly and had me against the wall, his mouth on mine.
God, how I needed that. I gotta say, there is something incredibly sexy and arousing about a man who is confident and self-assured… and assertive. I cannot overstate that. That scene replays in my head continually. It needs to keep me going for a few days.
ETA: I was not important in this action. He just needed something to focus his mind on elsewhere. As I look back on this, it was like two completely separate events taking place for each of us.
And have I mentioned he is an incredible kisser? He also says things while we are getting hot and heavy that are an absolute turn on. (I cannot overstate that, either).
When he finally left (late for his meeting… raising my guilty hand), I could barely contain myself. When he returned after less than a couple hours, he let himself in and gave me more of the same of the self-assertion. It was equally hot.
ETA: again, this was not what I thought it was at the time. And while I imply above that it was my fault, it wasn’t. I thought at the time that he was just so into me (pun unintended). But the truth unfortunately is that he was unable to stop. And it didn’t matter who the receptacle was.
God, he turns me on.
At no time we were actually together did I doubt myself or him. And with my new practice of journaling all this, I don’t have near the number of moments where I want to text him a 12-year-old’s breakup. I also don’t have the continual feeling that he’s going to just do it to me. I’m back in the moment, mostly.
I say mostly, because … well.. I’m a work in progress.
ETA: while I didn’t doubt myself, I did still have the gnawing in my guy that something was not right. I just ignored it or told myself it was something unimportant. That’s on me. After this ended, I was convinced he was just a random POS and I took some pleasure in pointing out some things about him. And then I started to learn about sexual predators and sexual addiction. And all of this started to fall into place. And I lost a bit of my venom. Actually, I lost pretty much all of my venom. And my focus shifted as my perspective changed.
If you wish to read the whole story in order, now with updates (edited to add), on my experience with Steven Monteforte:
Post 13 Steven Monteforte brief update.