I’ve recently been struggling with trying to help people understand the difference between typical “Boys will be boys” “People lie”.. and a mental health issue that manifests sexually. And I gotta say, it’s exhausting.
My blogs are not evidence of a scorned woman. FFS, we were done in my opinion. I was actually a bit happy about it. This is not a bad breakup. It wasn’t till later that I started to piece together what happened and that something had to be done. That he is not just a cheating asshole. This is, in my opinion based on evidence, an addict out of control. But I guess that is part of the definition of addict.
It became clear to me that nobody else was going to do anything because they were either filled with shame, embarrassed, being blackmailed, bullied or finally had freed themselves of the situation and did not want to take a chance to get sucked back in. And a handful of them work with him and are torn as to what to do. There is a code among firefighters (a necessary one), and yet the disrespect shown in their station and to so many people involved has been difficult for them to take.
Steven has said himself that he did a lot of drugs years ago. He also said he came from an abusive household. His “father was not a nice person.” People seek escape for any number of issues. But if they never actually learn to cope and face their demons, they’ll always need to be escaping them. So the addictive personality is still alive and well.
I am hoping that the words of professionals might carry more weight with those who are still wanting to slap him on the back and say, “atta boy.”
“The link between drug addiction and sexual addiction makes it clear that sexual addiction is not about morality or sex, but is driven by the same compulsion to stimulate the brain’s reward system by engaging in reckless, destructive behavior. Like drug addicts, sex addicts become addicted to the feelings they experience when certain chemical changes occur in the brain. To compound those changes, they may also turn to substance abuse either to heighten their high or to cope with the emotions they feel after engaging in sexually addictive behavior. It is a vicious cycle of addiction, but it can be stopped.” – The Link Between Drug Addiction and Sexual Addiction
“One of the hallmarks of compulsive sexual behavior is continued engagement in the activity despite the direct negative consequences, the same path as substance use disorders.” –Sex and Drug Addiction
“Sex addicts find themselves compelled to have multiple partners, to frequent prostitutes and strip clubs, to read pornography and to masturbate frequently in a cycle of behaviour that often becomes increasingly intense. They give in to their cravings irrespective of the possible consequences…” –The nature of sex addiction
“Other indicators that sexual behavior may be out of control include: an obsession with sex that dominates one’s life, including sexual fantasies that interfere with work performance; so much time devoted to planning sexual activity that it interferes with other activities; strong feelings of shame about one’s sexual behavior; a feeling of powerlessness or inability to stop despite predictable adverse consequences; inability to make a commitment to a loving relationship; extreme dependence upon a relationship as a basis for feelings of self-worth; or little emotional satisfaction gained from the sex act.” –Indicators of Sexual Addiction
“Sexual addiction can destroy not just the life of the addict, but also the lives of the people around him or her. This addiction can disrupt various aspects of his or her life, like relationships, careers, finances, psychological health, and emotional well-being. The urges related to sexual addiction can spiral from being intense to becoming obsessive. Moreover, the person who is addicted to sex will pursue sexual adventures to the extreme.” –Signs That You May be Addicted to Sex
Now, a bit of discussion on Sexual Predators. “Sexual Predator (n.) Anybody who obtains sexual contact via less-than-honest means or a person that enjoys “hunting down” their prey. Many sexual predators attack only a particular type of victim usually based on height, ethnicity or age. Sexual predators are usually friendly, self-assured individuals who target their victims carefully, rather than choosing at random.” urban dictionary
“Another top priority of sexual predators is to create Stockholm Syndrome in their targets. This is a sympathetic play on the target’s compassion and pity. When you don’t do his bidding (i.e., by making him your top priority), he will sulk, stalk you, harass you through social media, or even threaten suicide. He may say you’re rejecting him “like everyone else in his life.” A violator, once caught, has confessed to researchers, psychologists and officers of the court that his favorite part of violating you was getting you to feel sorry for him. If you take pity on a person who has major character flaws, he will use your pity to trespass all over you, your values, your priorities and your other relationships.
He lies about big things and insignificant things. Anything from what he picked up at the grocery store to his grade-point average in school to the sport he played to where he was after work. The best wisdom here says after the person has lied to you three times, move on. Over time, the lies will become more costly and damaging.” Tell-Tale Signs of a Sexual Predator
I knew going into this, that it was likely a battle with no obvious end. That I would have no public allies. And that telling the whole truth would not put me in a good light. But I felt my own actions or inactions cannot outweigh what is at stake here.
Somebody who professionally is in the business of saving lives is in his personal life destroying them. When will those lines blur?
Or have they already?
If you wish to read the whole story in order, now with updates (edited to add), on my experience with Steven Monteforte (AKA Steven Joseph, as this blog has put a crimp in his game. And he has a different job now… Piedmont Ambulance and Keystone Ambulance. And this is his new facebook page)
Post 13 Steven Monteforte brief update.