I’ve not been sleeping well since this whole affair started. And before this, I was always a great sleeper. Always. Except every once in a while when I was preoccupied with something. But it was literally years I’d go before losing a nights sleep. So, going several weeks now without having a solid night has and is still taking its toll.
In the first couple weeks, I thought it was my difficulty dealing with this non-relationship thing. But in this last week, after I’d started blogging all this, I didn’t feel the same stress and emotional rollercoaster concerning him… yet, still couldn’t sleep.
And then a couple days ago I had a bit of clarity (never tune out clarity when it comes to you. You can question whether it is truly clarity or if it might be your own fears … raising hand…but don’t simply dismiss it out of hand).
During that moment, I recognized how unhappy I was in my current employment situation. I felt stifled and had moved from an independent contractor to an employee, in action but not pay. I also did some number crunching and realized how little I was being paid… again. Being paid little is fine if I’m not investing 100%. I don’t want to live like that anymore.
I need more than that. I need to be more than that. I also need far more autonomy.
So, I’m working on extricating myself from that situation and getting back to stuff that is more me. And crossing fingers that sleep is coming soon.
As I type this, I’m absolutely exhausted and fading. A couple solid nights would do wonders.
I have to get back to my roots. What makes me happy. What fulfills me. And I know what that is: research and dissemination. But I’ve also recently recognized that I need to be involved in something bigger than just me. Something of benefit. Something important. And while I love my business and what I do, and helping businesses reach and build relationships with their customers/clients… it’s not really important on the grand scale.
I want to matter.
Don’t we all?
The most noble (and I use the word liberally) thing I do is to give blood regularly.
When I was in South Carolina, I helped on a rescue dog transport every other week. It was satisfying emotionally and spiritually. I felt I was part of something. Something bigger than just me.
So, what I need to do is build my business, which I enjoy, and that I can put my mind into, and that also makes the bills.
But I also need to find something or create something that I can put my heart into. Something that makes a real difference. Something that inspires me.
I hope that your needs are being met. I hope that you have already recognized them or are seeing them clearly now.
Life is so much greater than a paycheck. At least it is for those of us who want to live at 100%.