Well, my blogging has moved from self-help (cuz, I needed to just say some stuff and he wasn’t going to hear it), to trying to help others avoid this situation with him particularly, as well as others.
Vicki had said she was concerned about his lying about being fixed when he wasn’t. I was more concerned about disease, because it seems he was going from one to another pretty quick… like same day. Still I wasn’t ok with publishing his name until I was talking with a friend who confided that he was similar to Steven, in earlier years. I had no idea. This guy is now happily married and available to help other addicts find help in their area.
And writing that just now, I realize that he had said he did lots of drugs years ago. I see now that he is still an addict having never dealt with whatever those issues were before, he simply found another outlet.
Oddly, I have moved from feeling bad for me, to feeling bad for all the others, past, present and future, to feeling sad for him.
His life must suck to have to have a handful of women on the hook at any given time, compulsive cheating in the marriages, never knowing anything about whoever he is with.
That’s a painful existence. And… now I feel bad for all the barb-throwing at his expense, even though true. While I had thought for a while this was the case, I was reminded by my friend that this guy needs help. And so here I am … arms crossed… ready for fight but feeling like that’s not the answer.
My friend also suggested that Steven needed to hit rock bottom. And given that he has been confronted so many times before, a public outing might do the trick. I have to say, I was not comfortable with this. If you read my earlier posts right after I had posted them, you know I never mentioned his name. The blogs were for and about me. Not him. But they aren’t for me anymore. Now they serve two other purposes. One is to cut down his victim pool. I hope these posts come up if somebody googles him like I did. That’s due diligence. And the other reason is that a public outing might nudge him to get some help.
So I added tags to all the previous posts not out of vengeance, but almost out of duty.
I can’t stop him from his using of people. I do hope he stops himself, not just for their sake but his own.
So, now I’m going to post what I had started to write to him during our lasts texts to each other, while Vicki was filling my inbox. (I say that with humor, now)
But he had said he just wasn’t going to be around people anymore. Obviously that is a plan set for disaster. And I told him so. But I did give him some advice to continue on his ways without taking more victims. And I said I thought he had more to give. And he asked me why I thought that. I never answered because the other message were coming in and I wanted out of this drama.
But here is what I wanted to say.
Because this isn’t you.
This is a character you are playing. A mask. A persona that covers up the real you and it has for years. Probably since childhood. Anybody who suffers abuse, emotional or physical or sexual… has got to get good at wearing masks. You got so good, you never learned to take it off. And you don’t even know who you are anymore.
Possibly why you never learn anything about anybody else.
So, I had said I felt you were really sorry and then I rescinded that and said you weren’t. I’m rescinding that rescindddingggation..(if you don’t know if it’s a word… just use it in a sentence with authority). …
I do think you are sorry. I don’t think your goal is hurting people.
Your goal is to just stop hurting. To feel something different. And you are acting on instinct.
When I worked at the jail, we had med-pass 3 times a day. And if any pill got loose and rolled onto the floor, you couldn’t get it back fast enough… somebody pounced on it… because no matter how it made them feel… it made them feel different than what they do right now.
And that’s you.
I can’t imagine the hell your life must be to do what you do to people and not be able to stop.
But this is what I can tell you. I still don’t hate you. And you need help. Unless you want to just keep living like this, but I’m hoping your victim pool will dry up with these posts.
My friend who brought me back around to this line of thinking suggest SLAA- Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. A 12-step program built on the model of Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s made a difference for him. Plus therapy from a certified sex addiction therapist. Most of the people in those rooms have stories just like you. Six girlfriends at once or compulsive cheating on spouses etc.
Find a local group and start going.
My friend volunteered to talk to you if you need some help getting started. But these posts stay up. It’s not out of vengeance. But prevention. You’re a firefighter… this should be something you can understand and appreciate.
ETA: I’m still uncertain if Steven recognizes that what he is doing to people is wrong. If he recognizes it as compulsion. Uncontrolled. An addiction. And therefore something dangerous that he needs to get under control. I don’t know if his bosses would see it the same way either. He has a different face for them. I’m just hoping that they are now paying attention. I hope it works out for everybody. But my mission is the safety and well-being of the would-be victims of his.
If you wish to read the whole story in order, now with updates (edited to add), on my experience with Steven Monteforte (AKA Steven Joseph, as this blog has put a crimp in his game. And he has a different job now… Piedmont Ambulance and Keystone Ambulance. And this is his new facebook page)
Post 13 Steven Monteforte brief update.