It’s 4AM. As usual, I’m up…. and unfortunately as is also usual, I’m second guessing. I’m not really second-guessing him or his intentions. I’m second-guessing my own and their incongruity with reality.
ETA: the reason I was not second-guessing him was because he gave me just enough information to remove himself from focus. But that gnawing gut needed to focus on something, so it turned to me. After all of the truth (as we know it) came out, this was all much more clear. It was all part of the cat and mouse game. Push pull. It’s a power and control and keep them off balance sort of game.
That’s a big word at 4AM. Incongruity. 5 syllables.
I’m saying to myself that I’ve been lacking sleep and that puts me in an emotional state. Very true. But I don’t think that’s all of it. The distance is just too much.
I think this distance could be survived if it hadn’t started right from the beginning. I think couples (uh oh… I used a bad word), who really know each other and work through a lot of stuff, can be ok if one goes off to the service for a very extended period of time. But even that has got to be torture.
I cannot stop myself (I’ve tried) to go into self-preservation mode. If we see and connect one day a week, that day is good. But whatever was achieved that day just makes the next week of silence even harder.
I’m not making any decision here. There’s none to make. This is what it is.
I’m not writing another 12 year old breakup. I don’t need to.
I really do understand why he can’t do relationships or commitment. There’s nothing certain here. No way to plan. The priorities just are what they are. This isn’t his decision either. I’m not sure if that makes all this easier or harder.
I had not thought I could feel this way about someone again, and that might be making this much harder, as well.
But I’ve learned some things about myself. I’ve learned that if I’m open to gamble on something again, to get some basic answers before letting it go further than I can pull back from. And I think I would better recognize a situation that cannot possibly work for me.
This isn’t going to hurt. It already does. Every day.
ETA: After talking with one of his many exes, it occurred to me that he kept me more distant than others. And think that’s because he intuitively knew my gut was onto him. My gut had a voice sometimes. It was a snarkey joke meant to be responded to and then I would judge that response. I spent a lot of time just watching and listening. And I think he knew it. Any more time together and there would inevitably be more discussion… and more chance he could be caught.
If you wish to read the whole story in order, now with updates (edited to add), on my experience with Steven Monteforte (AKA Steven Joseph, as this blog has put a crimp in his game. And he has a different job now… Piedmont Ambulance and Keystone Ambulance. And this is his new facebook page)
Post 13 Steven Monteforte brief update.