I have been hesitating to share this story. I hope it is not shared with the widow and family. They have been through enough. I’m not going to tag anything to do with that good man, because anybody looking for information about him doesn’t need to read this.
Because a great deal of this blog, while based on personal experience, deals with mental illness, I’m going to put my only disclaimer. I’m not formally trained in mental health. So, I’ve included information, as I’ve found it so you can decide for yourself.
On Sept 11, 2018, the day I sent him that ‘selfie’ that didn’t show my face, Steven and I were texting back and forth just a little and he suggested I get a hotel room in Sturgis, where he was assigned for the week to arrange the funeral of a firefighter lost in the line of duty the previous week. Steven is the PIO (Public Information Officer) for the Battle Creek Fire Department. He is also attached to South Dakota Last, which stands for Local Assistance State Team.
He said he really wanted to see me. We were going on a week again since seeing each other and I asked how much time we would have together. He said the whole night after his meeting. It was up to me to arrange everything as he was very busy.
I thought that everybody involved in the situation had to be under a great deal of emotional stress and perhaps I could help him take a break from that, even for just a night.
I left the office earlier than usual and on the way home, booked a room. I grabbed a few things and took off for Sturgis, about an hour’s drive.
I texted him the hotel name and address and said it was under my name. I then asked if he even knew my name. It was only a half joke, as I often made jokes about things that gnawed at me. He said he did.
When I checked in, I received directions on how to find the room and I sent those directions to him. He asked me if I was actually in the room, I said yes, and he said he was going to swing by for a quick kiss before the meeting.
Some of this I blogged before. The entrance. Hot and passionate. Late for a meeting. Yeah, this was THAT. It was exciting and fun at the time, but 20/20 hindsight sort of puts a new spin on it.
He couldn’t stop. He kept looking at the clock on the nightstand and saying he was late… but he couldn’t stop. It wasn’t that I was so hot. He just could not stop. He did finally put himself back together and get to the meeting. Afterward, he let himself back in, as I blogged before, but I didn’t tell you everything.
When he came in, he shared a video that had just been taken that evening. He was sitting on the bed and I was leaning over his shoulder. During the video, he said “she just pissed me off,” and said he needed to call somebody. As he was taking off his boots etc, he called the reporter and told them that the window insert said the firefighter was Rapid City, not Sturgis. They said it would be fixed for 9:00 news.
He then came back to the bed and pulled me to the edge of it and we started getting just a little busy. He said he needed to make one more call. He put his phone down next to me and put it on speaker. His hands were busy. The man he was speaking to sounded like somebody with authority. He was relating to Steven a situation of another funeral where people had taken pictures of the open casket and put them on social media. The family of that person had seen them and it was very painful for them. He wanted to avoid that this time.
Steven said he would take care of it. During that entire lengthy conversation we were having sex, very quietly. I was even holding his necklace to keep it from jingling. Again, it was fun at the time, but now I see it more clearly. Steven needs constant change and excitement. It isn’t the sex… it is the ‘something different… anything to feel something different.’
Having sex against the tree in the park behind the station house in Keystone; sex in the bay between the trucks, on the floor; sex on the step of the firetruck; sex on the bumper of the firetruck; sex on the couch in the living room minutes after the others have retired. Anything.
And having something impact your job in a negative way (late for meetings, I doubt that was the only time) is a basic symptom of addiction. He cannot stop.
Sex Addiction is not yet recognized by the DSM-5. However, ‘the following criteria for hypersexual disorder was proposed as an addition to the DSM-5.’
‘Research has shown that this criteria is a valid and reliable way of identifying hypersexuality.
For a period of at least six months:
- An individual experiences recurrent and intense sexual fantasies, sexual urges, or sexual behaviors
- The time spent engaging in sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors consistently interferes with other important activities and obligations
- Sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors occur in response to dysphoric mood states (anxiety, depression, boredom, irritability) or stressful life events
- An individual engages in consistent but unsuccessful efforts to control or reduce their sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors (Said he has, but I don’t know)
- An individual engages in sexual behaviors while disregarding the potential for physical or emotional harm to self or others’ Psychology Today
I think that because the outlet is sex, this is easily laughed off. When you see a person with a different sexual partner every day, or even more than once on the same day, it is almost held in high esteem. Something to admire.
And if all the partners were willing participants in such activity, I could agree. What consenting adults do with consenting adults, is their own business.
But that’s not the case here. He lies to his partners in order to get their compliance. He tells them he is fixed. He tells them they are the only person he is involved with. He implies there is something more than there is. None of which is true.
That’s not consent.
For you Tony Stark wannabes out there, this is not the definition of a ladies man. This is the definition of a sexual predator and addict who is using sex instead of drugs to cover his own pain and misery and to feel something different. Anything different.
He thrives on attention, even if negative. And he will do or say anything to control people and continue his abuse. Including blackmail.
A ladies man doesn’t need to resort to blackmail to keep a supply of partners available.
If you’ve been reading along from the beginning of this story when all I was sharing was a gut feeling that something was off, through the part where I found I had been played and was a bit pissed off… you now can see this has nothing to do with me anymore. The ‘relationship’ had nothing to do with me at all.
I have no ill-will towards Steven. I still feel sorry for whatever happened that caused a real person to become this. But I also think I recognize, from my experience with him and him actually saying so, that he cannot stop himself. So, perhaps somebody else can step in and help him.
What this is now is a warning for other victims (that’s what non-consent produces), and also a “you need help” before your addiction drives you to create a situation in your profession where serious damage is done. This needs to be recognized as an actual addiction. An inability to stop doing something that affects many people and a job negatively. Like any addiction, tolerance will be built up… what happens when his need for ‘different’ and excitement are no longer satiated by promiscuous sex?
Keep in mind, he is a firefighter.
If you wish to read the whole story in order, now with updates (edited to add), on my experience with Steven Monteforte (AKA Steven Joseph, as this blog has put a crimp in his game. And he has a different job now… Piedmont Ambulance and Keystone Ambulance. And this is his new facebook page)
Post 13 Steven Monteforte brief update.